I appreciate you so much, yet it seems hard to tell and show, but I do.
Misunderstanding is our greatest weakness, why it has always to turn out this way?
Because of guilt, pain and distress I caused you, I wanna set you free. You’ll be fine. I think you’ll be better off without me.

As far as I remember, I wrote down these words when we had an extreme fight. After of so many fights we had, it also came to a point where we decided to go on separate ways, especially me. I would always decide to break up, though in my heart I don’t really want to. Sometimes it was just my ‘drama‘ to break up, but if he decided to make it true, then either I find a way for reconciliation and to hold on, or just let it be. It came to a point that I went back home with my son, and decided to leave him.

It was the extreme fight I was talkin’ about. I got so mad ‘coz like.. I was always the one who look after our son, and it felt like he didn’t care to be my sub. He used to go out in the morning to be in a cafe, after work, even in weekends. I wanted him to be around even just half a day to be with us, to help us with the chores. I don’t know but I feel so happy whenever he’s at home, or when he cuddles our son, seeing them together has something that fires the happiness deep in my heart. I had no complains when it comes to our son’s needs, he provides everything for him. Even when it comes to my needs, he would always prioritized mine.

Some of my former colleagues told me that, maybe I was suffering in post partum depression and we just have to talk about it. No need for me to make sudden decisions that I will surely regret at the end, yet during that time my decision was fixed, like no one can ever break it. So, I went home, I brought all my stuff and of my baby’s. After a few hours, I didn’t expect he would followed me home, and he tried to convince me to return that night. I was stoned-hearted due to my sadness and anger, I did ignore him for almost an hour, mom was there quite concerned. But, I didn’t want to, he didn’t stop, he tried hard to talk with me, ’til I poured out my sentiments, I let him know my pain, my sadness, my concerns, and my wish. Then, these words of his warmth my heart,

“I’m sorry beng, so sorry.. (cryin’) tell me what do you want me to do, I’ll do it for you. Do you want me to take care of him at night so you can rest? I’ll do that, just come back. I love my son and you, so please.”

After all those words were all I need, but I decided to stay at home for at least three days, that was a month before Covid-19 became the talk of the earth.

As usual, we let things to cool down and start again. It made me realized that fights/arguments make the relationship stronger. Fights, arguments, and problems when faced together and able to survive, relationship becomes indestructible. We’ve been together for almost eight years, and now we have a son. With those things we had, the things we faced together, those extreme fights, everything were all ingredients in this relationship to make it stronger. Everytime we able to fix things, our love for each other became much stronger too. We also understand things better, and when you truly love that person, you changed those bad habits, even the attitude/behavior, and he did. I know that everyday of our lives is a challenge that we have to face. Each person has his own flaws, some can be fixed, some are unchangeable. I accepted his, and he embraced mine.

I found this relationship real, he is real to me, he makes me feel that he loves me this much. He is also thoughtful, he used to provide my needs first before his, and I feel lucky. After all, God is truly amazing, and that he knows my heart’s desires, because despite of losing someone I want, He replaced it with someone who is a match for me and the one I could call my destiny. 😇

• ❞𝐐𝐮𝐞𝐭𝐳𝐚𝐥 𝐚𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐏𝐫𝐞𝐜𝐢𝐩𝐢𝐜𝐞❞8th March 2022
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